The Degradation of Society- The Man Bun

In a solid attempt to not ruffle any perfectly manicured and sculpted buns of feminism off of the top of your pretty little man heads, I’m going to speak a truth you may need to hear.

From the beginning of time, body hair has grown, and grown, and grown. As society progressed and social standings evolved, people found a way to manipulate their keratin based growth into something of splendor and wonder. Some to prove a point, others based on logistics.

Now let’s face it, King Louis XIV thought he had it going on. Those wild untamed tresses of fury went famously with his puffer neck collar and multiple mistresses. His hair, and his marital situation were not his finest moments.  But still, trend prevailed, and despite the fact that there was no means of air conditioning in the 1600’s, the masses of men insisted on this preposterous plumes as statement pieces. It was regarded, at the time, as being a sign of stature and worth.

But alas, I digress…….It was 417 years ago, let’s move on.

200 year later, with the development of social roles outside of royalty,  and obviously the discovery of some type of greasy oil. Men happened into a shorter more clean cut style. Which held on for quite some time. Men could be seen throughout the land, going to work, and earning their keep. Not trolloping around the kingdom looking for their newest set of shiny robes.

 But again, that’s 200 years ago……….where are we today?

Where we are today is immersed in a senseless crowd of bull shit “men” who have found it repugnantly necessary to compete with their female counterparts. Now we aren’t innocent, by any means. Sinead O’Conner shaved her dome in the 90’s and opened this door. I blame her mostly for all of this; but it seems to me like men can’t let it go.

Look, women are notorious for being catty, needy, attention whores. We size each other up like chickens in a cock fight, circling around and looking at every aspect of each other to figure out if we can win this war or not. We look at height, weight, makeup, clothes, skin color, and HAIR. For the love of God, we even compare our hair.

So when you walk into a room, with beautiful tresses of well cared for hair, that you’ve been growing for the last 4 years, we hate you. That’s right. Hate you. Because women are no longer looking at you as the hunk of manly meat you believe you are, now we are looking at you as direct competition.

Rewind, to the moment you skipped the man section in the bathroom supplies aisle and went right to the women’s side. The moment you reached your buttery man hands onto our shelf, and removed our high dollar conditioner that is infused with femininity and coconut oil, and you put it in your cart. You bought it, not for your girlfriend, but for yourself. And in that moment, you became public enemy #1. We have over 50% of the human population to compete with ass hole, and now you’ve made it’ 100%.

We aren’t insecure. We aren’t out of our minds. What we are is confused. Confused as to why you think you look more like a samurai warrior, and less like a bitch whipped 80’s porn star.

So listen. Be men. Be the notorious strong and competent gender God made you out to be. Stop taking notes out of the handbook of how to be a woman, and find a way to jack that testosterone up to a noticeable level. Otherwise here’s the path you’ll head down……..

Path 1. Women will see you as a potential bff…… permanent friend zone. We all want a Gay best friend. It’s a fact. You can talk about beauty products and how you hate it when the cute little Asian girl at the manicure parlor digs that little wooden stick too deep in your finger and you secretly want to punch her and cry. You can talk about your panties riding up, and how you wish you could pee in a bush sometimes because nasty gas station bathrooms feel rapey. You can talk about how long bubble baths relax you, and a good episode of the Gillmore girls, a glass of wine, and a brick of chocolate might be just the solution for your hard day.

Path 2. We will ban you all from our shopping stores. We will ban you from our date books. We will ban you from our offices, cars, and bedrooms. We will ban you from running your hands through our fantastic silky hair we spent 200 dollars getting deep conditioned last week, because you HAVE YOUR OWN TO FIDGET WITH.

The choice is yours Chuck O’ Rama. But enough with the man bun.

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